The Friendship of Clutter

By Deborah Berger  © 2010 Deborah Berger/All Rights Reserved

What if you couldn’t throw things out because, to you, they were alive?

That old towel you can see through?

The orange and green crocheted potholder you never use (the holes are too big so you burn your hands)?

The cracked plastic juice pitcher with the missing lid?   

You get the idea.

My “lightbulb” moment came when I was visiting Dora*, an elderly relative. Her son was trying to explain to me why Dora held onto piles and piles of what I could see only as “useless clutter.”

That threadbare towel was “an old friend” to this woman who had lived alone for a long time.

The hand-made potholder was infused with the warmth of the neighbor who made it.

The useless pitcher carried the memories of long ago church picnics — happy times.

Where I saw a room resembling an obstacle course, Dora saw nurturing reminders of friendship.

Where I saw needless chaos, Dora found comfort in the stability of things remaining where she had put them — yesterday, or a long (long!) time ago.

Where I saw cupboards overflowing with more empty margarine containers than she could possibly ever need, Dora was bolstered by knowing she would never “run out.”

Ninety-five years old, she knew who she was in her own home – the home where she was born! Her “things” reinforced her sense of belonging.

So I will tread more lightly now.

When I next visit Dora, I will focus my clearing out efforts only on safety — medicine dating back to the Reagan administration, hand lotion that has turned into a science experiment, canned goods that expired before my now adult son entered preschool.

If, to reach a window Dora wants open, I have to move a chair, I will put it back exactly where it was, even if to me that makes no sense. (This is easier because the 50-year-old dents in the carpet show me where it goes.)

I will tread very, very carefully, and understand that Dora’s cluttered but still livable world is precious to her.

Down the street from her crumbling house is an assisted living apartment building, with big windows, thriving plants, and nice wide hallways with hand rails. The apartments have well equipped bathrooms and small but well designed kitchens.

The residents seem happy, the staff friendly and competent. There are healthy meals, fresh fruit and vegetables, and lots of activities.

That’s what I see.

But not Dora.

To her, anywhere but her home is a dangerous, unfriendly, “foreign” place.

In what is likely to be the last decade of her long life, she knows what she wants and where she wants to be. She may forget the details of a doctor’s visit, but she knows where she is when she is home. The ghosts of her parents and other relatives inhabit that house.  Dora is sure that they are pleased she won’t change anything.

They know that she is honoring the past by living in it.

*Names and identifying details have been changed.

Distill Your Life: Downsizing as Adventure

The prospect of downsizing and preparing to settle into a new community can be both exciting and daunting. It can be exciting as a threshold into a new sense of security and freedom and also daunting as the accumulation of decades must be addressed and evaluated.

As we approach this transition it is important to realize that there are positive ways to prepare for and manage downsizing. Long before making decisions about what to keep we can begin to assess our belongings in a relaxed and less pressured way.

The key here is to first reduce clutter. Anything we can simply get rid of should be handled first, before making the harder decisions about gifts for people, things we want to sell, store or keep.

The basic steps of organizing can be used to break this into manageable projects.

The Preparation:

• Define a Reasonable Scope: a dresser or a closet, not an entire room.
• Schedule a time: Don’t wait for the right moment  it won’t happen!
• Decide how much time and energy you have. Try an hour just to start.
• Set up Out Containers: Donate, Recycle, Sell, Trash….

The Process:

• Sort things into broad categories…..without making decisions.
• Purge each category, putting things into Out containers.
• Contain what stays in efficient ways that match how you think and function
• Maintain: Use your new systems.change things if they don’t work.

By de-cluttering first you only have to face things you’ll keep or pass on to others.

It’s very important to realize that everything will go to another person, whether you gift them, donate or sell! It is simply impossible to gift everything we accumulate. It can be very hard to accept the fact that our treasures may not be meaningful to family members. Everyone will approach this differently; here are some ways to start.

First separate things that you have in mind for a particular person, and ask if they want them. If Yes, give it to them right away. If not, you need to move on. Try to avoid spending a lot of time asking a series of people, some of whom won’t respond in a timely manner or be willing to take it.

Instead group items for family members to select from. It is important to tell everyone that this opportunity has a time frame and that after a certain date these things will be donated or sold. Then stick to it! Only if you know there is contested item should you proceed to ask the next person.

This liberates you from managing multiple objects and people. Once you know that people want the special things you intend for them, try to consider that the rest will go to whoever cares enough to contact you and take them!

Once the time is passed, dispose of anything not being kept.

The easiest way is to donate, either to an organization that collects, or by delivering things yourself.

Selling possessions can be time consuming. Consider hiring a company to either run an estate sale or to sell things for you.

Remember that family members often have a hard time helping with the process of downsizing. This might also be time to call in an expert.

The job of a professional organizer should go beyond the objects to address the deep emotional connections each client has to their possessions. Their calm, detached, yet understanding support can often make letting go of items less stressful.

A gentle and non judgmental approach supports you to make healthy changes, and learn ways to organize both your spaces and time.

Paper and electronic information is another area where many people have trouble. There are simple, effective ways to process the huge volume of paper we all have, and systems to keep what really matters and find it again when it’s needed.

The goal is to make this transition one in which you distill the treasures and create a space that reflects your lifetime of experience in a powerful and supportive way.